


Lonelyeyes Weird Sexual Would You Rather

by Gia_my_roommate



Series: Written by someone who has not listened to TMA [10]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: BDSM, Crack, Dubious Consent, Evil Old Men, M/M, NO rape, One Shot Collection, Smut, it gets gross, it gets gross but like no one is unwilling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:55:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27611719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gia_my_roommate/pseuds/Gia_my_roommate
Summary: This is based off a video tumblr user Jonnysimms showed me titled Sexual Would You Rathers, and I decided to write a fanfic in which Elias does one option and Peter does the other.
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Elias Bouchard/Simon Fairchild/Peter Lukas
Series: Written by someone who has not listened to TMA [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729438
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. Never Brush Your Teeth or Never Showe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Would you rather have sex with someone who never brushed their teeth or never showered?
> 
> Never brushed their teeth: Elias  
> Never showered: Peter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry

Elias grinned upon Seeing Peter arrive in London.

Usually, when Peter came back from the Tundra Elias would spend the rest of the week avoiding his husband.

The reason: Peter’s quarters upon the Tundra had no shower.

Peter would go away for months on end sometimes, coming back smelling worse than an entire homeless shelter.

Elias nearly gagged every time he thought of homeless shelters, being the capitalist he was, so it was truly inconvenient that the first thing Peter always demanded to do upon returning was have sex with Elias.

Usually Elias would have to flee the country the day Peter came back, but this time he had a plan.

When the fog of the lonely began to swirl in his office, Elias stood to meet Peter.

Peter, of course, smelled like someone shit out a marathon runner who had died at the end of the race from dysentery.

Elias held back a gag as he thought of poor people again.

“Hello Peter.” Elias greeted cooly, giving a yellowed smile.

Despite never bathing, Peter was always sure to brush his teeth three times a day because he liked the taste of mint tooth paste and mouthwash. Elias took great care to rid Peter of the habit of casually eating toothpaste in bed during their first marriage, which surprisingly stuck. 

Peter’s face morphed from lustful to disgusted.

“Elias.” Peter stared at Elias’ teeth.

And now the battle of wills began.

Elias pushed his shit off his desk before sitting on it, and bringing Peter in close to his face.

“Well Peter, aren’t you going to take me?” Elias asked breathily, making Peter’s nose scrunch up.

Peter debated backing out, but his dick was itching to get into Elias.

Peter, in a rare moment of intelligence, realized that as long as he could pin Elias’ front to the desk he could slide his dick into Elias’s tiny little butt hole without having to even go near his teeth.

Elias, Knowing Peter’s thoughts, pulled Peter in for a kiss.

The kiss would have been better for both if they were putting their lips to a baby’s shit covered arse and not each other.

Yet, because of competitiveness, neither pulled away.

Elias began to undue Peter’s pants with his hand, and prepared to give the worst blow job of his life.

Peter was panicking as Elias got into position to sink to his knees, imagining the shit that had been in Elias’ mouth that would now be transferred to his dick.

Elias got on his knees and stared at Peter’s gigantic, unwashed, cock. It was big and hairy and smelled of cheese and oranges for some reason.

Elias was pretty sure he could spot mold growing from the place Peter’s left ball used to be.

As mouth made contact with dick, both men felt something that tasted of hot dogs begin to rise.

Both should have taken this as a sign to stop, to pull apart, but both were too stubborn.

It became a battle of wills. Who would throw up first?

Elias would have snuggly note Peter did, however all possibility of smugness was lost as Peter had thrown up right onto him.

Elias, in turn, threw up onto Peter’s dick.

Peter showered before coming to see Elias after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry


	2. Walk around the supermarket in lingerie or the mall in a strap on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Would you rather walk around the supermarket in lingerie or the mall in a stap-on?

Walk around the supermarket in lingerie: Elias

If Elias cared what the cashier at Tesco at three a.m thought of him and cared to find out, he’d find the tired drop-out assumed him to be an expensive prostitute.

The golden see through mesh with woven in pearls covering his chest and hardly concealing his nipples left little to the imagination though concealed considerably more than his golden lacy panties. 

If he cared about what the two other costumers thought, Elias might have had the decency to be embarrassed.

But, Elias did not care about what the degenerates at the Tesco at three a.m thought of him.

Elias Bouchard wanted his fucking teacakes and everyone should be thankful he even put on anything to go get them.

Besides, it fed the Eye so well when he went out like this. So exposed. Elias held back a purr in the back of his throat.

It was all Peter’s fault really, if Peter had properly done his job the outfit Elias was currently wearing would have been in shreds.

Instead, because Peter couldn’t act like a proper brute, Elias was walking through Tesco in his lingerie instead of Peter’s sweater. He’d still just be wearing his silk panties though.

He heard some pot head whistle as he walked past to the tea cakes, which Elias ignored as he grabbed the delicious sweet.

At the counter checking out a bag of cheap crisps was Tim Stoker, who had not noticed it was his good ol’ double boss that he had gotten a boner for when Elias had walked in.

Tim also failed to notice it was Elias when he timed checking out his crisps in hopes of chatting him up.

He did notice it was Elias when he finally got up the nerve to talk to him.

“What this guy’s having is on me.” Tim told the cashier, winking.

“This won’t improve your performance review.” Elise deadpanned, throwing his teacakes on the counter.

Tim gaped like a fish, not even hearing the price of his crisps and Elias’ teacakes.

Elias, not in the mood to deal with his shocked employee, took out Tim’s wallet from his cargo shorts and took out a tenner.

“Keep the change.” Elias said, throwing it down and leaving with his teacakes. 

Walk around the mall in a strap-on: Peter

Peter was furious with Elias.

It was their anniversary, so Peter thought he’d do something special for once.

Not because he cared about his bratty bottom, of course not. 

It was because Peter knew Elias would mock him for it, and nothing felt lonelier than being rejected when trying to do something romantic.

Rejection: however, was different than being laughed at.

Peter had decided to buy a strap on, figuring it would be fun and exciting or something.

So he had asked Elias’ secretary to order one for him and send it to his flat. It came right on time and Peter was able to put it on minutes before Elias came home.

And Elias laughed at him!

“Peter, the strap on is not meant over your clothes.” Elias laughed at him.

Peter disappeared into the lonely to sulk and forget.

It worked a little too well.

He decided, upon finishing his sulk, to find a sacrifice for the lonely, an activity which always brightened his spirits.

Peter went to his favorite spot in the mall, the area nears the children’s play place.

He covered himself in a light fog to remain unnoticed until he found the perfect target.

As old man watching the children, with sad eyes. Those types always made a good meal.

Peter sat down next to the old man, pealing away the fog.

Peter’s phone began to vibrate. Peter rejected the call, sure it was Elias wanting to mock him more.

“Which one is yours?” Peter asked, the old man looked him over in surprise.

His face morphed into one of disgust as he got up and hobbled away. 

Peter frowned in confusion, his frown deepening when he noticed all the parents sending disgusted glares his way.

Peter got a voicemail on his phone from Elias.

“Peter, you are an idiot. You are still wearing the strap-on.” Elias laughed from over the phone.

Peter’s face went red looking down at the light blue dildo connected to his body.

“Elias, I want a divorce.” Peter said to the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Tim


End file.
